Winding Down

Those of you who regularly follow our blog may have noticed that we’ve been strangely silent as of late. I’ve noticed it, too, and I can only say that, for me, it’s been a case of my being firmly planted in a state of denial about the impending end of our beautiful journey. I have been quite sure that if I sat down to write anything at all these last two weeks, sooner or later the topic of our leaving would pop up…..and I’ve been determined to live the last few weeks as fully as possibly, not focusing on the huge hole I feel developing in the pit of my stomach and not wanting to write something that would feel like a huge bummer for all of you to read! And yet, it’s been creeping in anyway. I’ve also not known exactly how to express the joy I’ve had, the love I’ve developed for this place (and exactly why, because it’s hard to put into words), and just why it is that I feel such sadness and confusion about leaving. But it’s time. The last two mornings I’ve lain in bed, wide awake, listening to the waves, the wind, and the birds, thinking….it’s time, and so I might as well let it in.

As I got to this point in the blog entry, I had to take a break and go out for what has become my regular morning walk on Paekakariki Beach and through Queen Elizabeth Park. This morning there was a strong Southerly (a wind that comes form the south and, as a result, carries very cold air!) and a storm was coming in, but I could still see the moon in one direction and the colors of the sunrise in the other. Yep, it was beautiful even on this less than perfect morning. When I finished my walk, I stopped to contemplate the sea, the end of our journey, and the ways in which these four months have touched my life so beautifully. I noticed how through the mostly gray, cloudy sky, there was a place in which the sun was illuminating a rock face on the South Island, making it look as though it was glowing. Pretty cool, I thought. As I got up to head back to the house, I saw that there was yet another rainbow out over the sea and the tears started to flow again. How will I manage without my morning walks and my rainbows? How will I manage to feel my soul filled up when I don’t have all the sources of beauty around me to which I’ve become so accustomed? Why right now, when we are beginning to feel like this is a place we really belong, do we have to leave? In some ways it seems so wrong. In others it is what has to be for now. There is so much I love at home as well.

The last few weeks have been all about living the Kiwi life as best we can. We have taken long walks and bike rides on the beach; gone to hear our dear friend, Melissa’s band play at a birthday party at Memorial Hall in Paekakariki; taken the family to Friday night Kapahaka dancing (traditional Maori singing and dancing held every Friday night at Memorial Hall); gone to a local cinema to see a NZ movie called “Second Hand Wedding,” featuring our very own Kapiti Coast and co-starring our very own yoga instructor, Tina; gone to a going away dinner thrown by some new Kiwi friends of ours where we ate, laughed, and played pool; helped our dear friend, Jennifer celebrate her 38th birthday among heaps of friends; and attended numerous weekend soccer games for our kids. All of this has made us feel a real part of this community, making it ever harder for me to leave. I’m so grateful for the love, warmth, and welcome that everyone has shown us here. I’m grateful for what I’ve been reminded of----that life doesn’t have to be a rat race and that the most important things in life are the simple things. Family, time to relax, being close to the beauty of nature, and spending time with loved ones.

While I know that it’s up to me to create and nurture the things that feed my soul, I also know that it will take lots more work to find and keep connections with those things back in our wonderful, but busy and relatively far from nature lives back home. I am coming face to face with a basic fact of life----that in order to experience joy, we must also experience sadness and loss. I’m grateful that I am brave enough to seek the joy despite the knowledge of the sadness that will surely follow. I’m grateful to my loving and supportive family and friends for loving me through it all.

So that’s the blog I was avoiding writing. There you have it. And now we put our chins up, enjoy the last few days, and begin focusing on all the wonderful people and things we have to go back to. Did I mention our life there isn’t half bad either?


Pictures in the entry are of 1. family last sunday morning on a beach bike ride near our house, 2. one of the many rainbows we've seen from our front door, 3. inside the cinema where we saw the local Kiwi movie last weekend, 4. friends at Jennifer's birthday party last weekend, 5. sunset over the sea--view from Jennifer and Michael's front window